Lois: it seems today That all you see Is violence in movies and sex on t.v.

Act 1
(The episode begins with the Griffin's watching "The Brady Bunch")

Jan: Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket.

Mike: Greg, were you smoking cigarettes?

Greg: No, dad.

Mike: (to Carol) Well, he's lying. There's no doubt about that. (back to Greg) Greg, I'm afraid your punishment will be 4 hours in the snake pit. (pushes a button which opens the pit)

Mike: Maybe that'll give you some time to think about what you've done.

Greg: Oh, man! (jumps into the pit)

Jan: That'll teach him.

Mike: And Jan, I'm afraid you've earned a day in the chamber of fire for tattling on your brother.

(Mike pushes a button and the door opens to reveal fire. Cut back to the Griffins)

Lois: Ah, smoking! How does a boy like that go so wrong?

Peter: Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood.

Brian: The Bradys?

Peter: Oh hell, yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. You name it.

(Woman pops up out the window holding pancakes.)

Woman: You folks want some pancakes?

Peter: No, thank you. (To the other Griffins) See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's Witnesses.

(Cut to The Intro.)

(Cut to the kitchen where Chris is seen writing in his notebook. Meg is reading a magazine. Stewie is fixing his mind-control device, and Lois is pouring salt on a ham.)

Stewie: Excellent! The mind-control device is nearing completion.

Lois: Stewie, I said no toys at the table.

Stewie: Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.

Meg: I Remember When Stewie Was Born He Was The Only Baby I've Ever Seen Who Came Out Smiling.

Stewie: But of course. That was my victory day. The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian Bastille! Return the device, woman!

Lois: No toys, Stewie. (puts his mind control in the cabinet)

Stewie: Very well, then! Mark my words: when you at least expect it, your uppance will come. (glares at Lois)

Lois: Kids, I just don't know if I like the idea of your father going to a stag party tonight.

Meg: Relax, Mom, it's just a bunch of guys sitting around with a black marker and a checklist of the Ten Commandments.

Chris: Heh-heh, thou shalt get drunk. Yeah!

Lois: Chris, you're 13, don't talk like that.

Meg: Mom, It's Kind Of Cold In Here.

Lois: Oh, don't touch the thermostat, Meg, your father gets upset.

Meg: Come on. This thing goes up to 90.

(Meg adjusts the heat and Peter enters the room quickly)

Peter: (quickly, seriously) Whotouchedthethermostat?

Meg: Man, how does he always know?

Peter: Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the children are messing with the dial.

Man #1: Hey, Peter, my thing went off, your thermostat okay?

Peter: Yeah, it's alright.

Cleveland: Hey, is my kid over here?

Father #1: Forget it. False alarm.

(A Chinese man appears from afar)

Brian: (cutting around Peter's behind) Whoa, ass ahoy. Say, uh, when you leave them for the party, Peter?

Peter: Eh, about 15 minutes.

Lois: Peter, promise me you won't drink.

Peter: Lois, honey alcohol doesn't affect me.

Chris: Heh, Remember when dad got drunk off the communion wine at church?

(The cutaway gag reveals a priest giving a sermon at the church)

Priest: And so, the Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body...

God: (sitting in one of the pews) Oh, God, I hate it when he tells this story.

Priest: Yet, miraculously, Job was still able to maintain his dignity.

(Peter is seen drinking lots of communion wine.)

Peter: Whoa, is that really the blood of Christ?

Priest: (to Peter) Yes.

Peter: Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day, eh?

(End of cutaway gag)

Brian: And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia?

(The cutaway gag shows everyone crying, except Peter in the movie theater as he stares at the movie screen blankly, then claps his hands)

Peter: I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks! That's it, aw, funny guy. Tom Hanks! Everything he says is a stitch.

Tom Hanks: (on the movie screen) I have Aids.

(Peter laughs very loudly)

(End of cutaway gag)

Lois: And then there was that time at the ice cream store.

(The cutaway gag reveals the Griffin's at the ice cream store)

Peter: Aw, rum raisin's my favorite. (licks the ice cream and immediately passes out on the table, splitting it in half)

(End of cutaway gag)

Lois: Promise me, Peter.

Peter: Lois, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight.

(The scene cuts to the stag party that night)

Man: Hey, who wants to play "Drink the Beer"?

Peter: Right here! (chugs down the beer)

Man: Heh, you win!

Peter: Alright! What do I win?

Man: Another beer! (hands the beer can over to him)

Peter: Oh, I'm going for the high score!

Man: Well, actually, Charlie's got the high score.

(Charlie is seen standing in front of a grandfather clock)

Charlie: Hey, man, your clock won't flush!

Peter: (starting to feel guilty) You know, I feel kinda bad, you guys. I promised my wife I wouldn't drink.

Man: Aw, don't feel bad, Peter.

Peter: Huh, gee. I've never thought of it like that.

Man: Hey, did you bring the porno?

Peter: (holding up a video cassette entitled, Assablanca on the front) Did I bring the porno, eh? You're gonna love it. It's a classic.

(The scene cuts to Peter and his friends watching Assablanca on TV)

Woman: But don't you have pizzas to deliver?

Pizza Delivery Man: No, let's get busy instead.

Peter: Oh, he is gonna get fired!

(The woman is about to take her robe off when the static changes to a documentary of the Statue of Liberty)

Movie Narrator: The statue was originally a gift from France.

Charlie: What is this?!

Peter: (in realization) Aw, man, Chris must've taped over this for his history class.

Man #1: The Statue of Liberty?! Aw, what are we gonna do?

Peter: Boys, boys, we're gonna drink 'til she's hot.

Man: Hey, that's just crazy enough to work.

(They all start drinking down their beers)

(The next morning, Peter is seen laying on the table, drunk, while everyone eats their breakfast as Lois pours her coffee)

Meg: Bacon's great, Mom, where's the orange juice?

Brian: Over there by the crotch.

Chris: Heh, that's cool that Dad slept in the kitchen.

Peter: Now, kids, this is not a good example. Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.

Lois: Peter, I honestly don't believe you. You spent the night on the kitchen table and your still drunk.

Peter: I'm sorry honey, are you mad?

Lois: No, I'm just very dissa...[chair collapses and she falls]

Meg: Mom, are you alright?

Lois: My goodness, this chair leg was loose. Isn't that silly, I could've broken my neck.

Stewie: Damn! [violent music plays]

Peter: Look honey, I'm late for work, can we talk about this when I get back?

Lois: Alright Peter, but we haven't finished this conversation.

Peter: Okay, bye.[rolls off the table and collapses on the ground with all the breakfast]

(The scene cuts to the Happy-Go-Lucky toy factory, Mr. Weed is seen checking up on his workers' progress)

Mr. Weed: How are you coming, Johnson?

Johnson: (holding a toy army soldier) Well, Mr. Weed, I've been working on the new G.I. Jew line and as you can see, they look great.

G.I. Jew: You call these bagels?

Johnson: Whoa! I'm glad he's on our side!

(Peter is seen sleeping behind a conveyor belt that has different types of toys passing by on it, until Mr. Weed catches him)

Mr. Weed: Peter! Are you sleeping on the job?!

Peter: (wakes up, stuttering) What? Oh Oh Hi Mr. Weed.

Mr. Weed: Peter, It's your job to watch for any toys that could be hazardous to children. Now look sharp!

Peter: Uh, yes, sir!

(Mr. Weed leaves and Peter falls asleep again, dangerous items start passing by on the conveyor belt, end of act 1)


Act 2
(Act 2 opens with the Channel 6 News)

Diane Simmons: And now, back to Channel 6 News. Our top story tonight, "When Toys Attack". Quite a situation we've got here, Mike.

Mike: Quite a situation we've got here, Mike, indeed, Diane. It seems the Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Company has released several unsafe products into the retail market.

(A clip shows a boy holding a baseball bat at a baseball field)

Boy: Come on, Timmy! Throw the Silly Ball!

(Instead of a silly ball, an axe is thrown on the bat)

(Another clip shows a boy with a box labelled "Pound Poochies")

Boy: (excitedly) Oh, boy! A Pound Poochie!

(Instead of a Pound Poochie, the box opens, revealing pills falling out)

(Another clip shows a girl holding a baby doll)

Girl: Come on, Baby Heimlich, spit it out.

(The girl squeezes the doll causing fire to come out of its mouth)

(The camera zooms out to Mr. Weed's office and turns off the TV)

Mr. Weed: (ashamed and outraged) Peter, I am appalled. Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation. You're fired!

Peter: Aw, geez. For how long?

(The scene cuts to the Griffin's house that night and into the dining room)

Lois: I don't believe it Peter you got fired.

Chris: Way to go, Dad! Fight the machine!

Stewie: (to Chris) How do you know about the machine?

Lois: Peter, you know this is all because you drank at the stag party.

Peter: I know, Lois, honey, you were right. Alcohol is trouble. Now I feel kinda guilty I ever gave Chris' first taste of beer. [to Chris] Eh, but you turned out okay, didn't ya, pal?

Chris: I'm gonna go get wasted. [leaves]

Peter: Okay, look both ways.

Lois: Peter what are you going to do about a job, you'll have to find something soon, now why don't you (a laser beam shoots by her face) What on Earth was that?

(Everyone stares at Stewie)

Stewie: What the deuce are you staring at? It's tuna fish and nothing else. (pushes a button, causing the firearm barrel sticking out of his sandwich to retreat)

(The scene cuts to Peter and Chris sitting on the couch in the living room)

Peter: Ah this sucks Chris. I gotta find a way to get money, I've been through two jobs this week. I got fired off of that commercial.

(The cutaway gag reveals Peter auditioning to be Sonny, the Cocoa Puffs mascot)

Director: (off-screen) Try it again.

Peter: I'm caca for Cuckoo Puffs.

Director: (aggravated) No, damn it! Take 26!

(End of cutaway gag)

Peter: then I had that job as a sneeze guard for that salad bar at that restaurant.

(The cutaway gag shows a restaurant that a woman is about to sneeze at the salad bar)

Peter: (pulls out a gun and points it directly at her face) Take it outside, lady.

(End of cutaway gag)

Peter: and then I thought I could win some money in that talent show.

(The cutaway gag is shown at the talent show where an announcer is seen giving out the results)

Announcer: And the grand prize goes to the Von Trapp Family singers!

(The audience applauding)

Peter: (holding a tuba) Oh, that is bullshit.

Police Man: they're gone

Peter: Oh yes.

(End of cutaway gag)

Chris: Dad, I think you might need to admit defeat.

Peter: What, admit that I can't provide for my family? Admit that she's always right? Admit that I didn't really stand up to that tank in Tiananmen Square?

(The cutaway gag is shown at the Tiananmen Square and the government tanks are rolling down the street and Peter is seen standing next to a lone Chinese man pushing his hand forward in a signal to stop the tanks)

Peter: Aw, screw this! I just came over to buy some fireworks! (runs off)

(End of cutaway gag)

Chris: Dad, you can't keep lying to yourself. Even if you continue to go though jobs and talent shows, sooner or later, your unemployment's gonna dry up and they might repossess our house. You really oughta think of our family's welfare.

Peter: (exclaims in dignity) Chris, that's it! I'll go on welfare!

(The scene cuts to the Welfare Offices)

Welfare Employee: Okay, do you have any disabilities, past injuries, physical anomalies?

Peter: Uhhh… Eh, o-oh! I didn't have gas for the first time until I was thirty.

(The cutaway gag shows a younger Peter in his early 30's possibly in the 70's, sitting in his beanbag chair, reading the newspaper until he breaks wind)

Peter: What the hell was that?

(End of cutaway gag)

(Peter is seen running up to Chris and Brian, holding a check)

Peter: (excitedly) Guys, our money problems are over! We're officially on welfare. Come on, Chris, help me scatter car parts on the front lawn.

Brian: Uh, how much are we getting?

Peter: Uh, let's see. $150 a week.

Chris: (takes a closer look at the check) Wait, Dad, that's a comma, not a decimal.

(Peter lifts his thumb to show that it's for $150,000 up close)

Peter: Whoops.

(The scene cuts to Lois and Meg in the kitchen)

Meg: Hey, Mom, have you seen Dad?

Lois: No, no, I haven't seen your father all afternoon. I was giving a piano lesson.

(Arrows suddenly fly by and hit the side of the chair Lois is sitting in)

Meg: Stewie, why don't you play in the other room?

Stewie: Why don't you burn in Hell?!

Lois: Well, no dessert for you, young man.

(The scene cuts to Peter Chris, and Brian somewhere else in the neighborhood while Brian is urinating on a fire hydrant)

Chris: Boy, who would've thought getting drunk at a stag party would get you $150,000 a week from the government, Dad?

Brian: This is why I don't vote.

Peter: Heh, hey maybe somebody down there was drinking too.

(The cutaway gag shows a presidential hearing, a man from the crowd is seen giving the president questions about his politics)

Reporter: Mr. President, why do you think the American public has continued to support you throughout these impeachment proceedings?

Bill Clinton: (holding a martini at the podium) Um, probably because you're so fat! Huhuhuhuhuh!

(End of cutaway gag, back to Peter, Chris and Brian)

Brian: Peter, you might want to call the Welfare Commission. That check is obviously an oversight.

Peter: Well, not necessarily. Maybe I'm like their one millionth customer.

Brian: What? You're gonna spend $150,000 a week?

Peter: (a bit nervously) Um, yeah.

Chris: On what?

(The scene cuts to the Griffin family all staring at the large statue in front of their home)

Meg: (exclaiming in surprise) Oh my God, Dad, you bought the statue of David? Oh, I so embarrassed I could die!

Peter: Look, I just rented it, but they gonna be ticked, though. (holds up a large cement object) The penis broke off while I was loading it into the car.

Brian: Well that's a bad part anyway.

(Peter hurls it and it goes through the Man's window)

Man: (picks up the object) Shoot these things are lucky.

(The scene cuts back to the Griffin's)

Lois: Peter, how can we afford this?

Chris: You're not gonna believe it, Mom! Dad's getting welfare!

Lois: What the fuck?!

Peter: Now Lois, don't worry. It's only temporary until I get a new job. Come on, you guys, I'm gonna buy us the most expensive meal we've ever had.

(The scene cuts to the Griffin's at the restaurant's drive-thru as Peter begins ordering)

Peter: (speaking into the intercom) Yeah, I'd like 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas, please.

Clerk: (from the intercom) I beg your pardon?

Peter: (points to the chicken fajitas on the menu) Uh, 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas.

Brian: And a So-Sage McBiscuit, please.

(Shows the family on the house)

Lois: Peter, what's the big surprise?

Peter: Lois, you know how I always said you should be treated like a queen? Well, I got you your own jester.

Jerry Seinfeld: (dressed as a jester) Hey, guys, it's good to be here in New England. And what's the deal with "New" England, anyway? It's over two hundred years old! Last time I checked, that's not that new.

(At home, Nancy the Postal Lady is delivering the mail)

Nancy the Postal Lady: When did you get a pool?

Lois: It's a moat. I know it's silly but my husband thinks our family needs extra protection now that we're rich.

Nancy the Postal Lady: Does it work?

Lois: It does keep the Black Knight at bay. (The Black Knight and his horse pace at the edge of the moat, unable to cross)

Nancy the Postal Lady: Well, congratulations on all your success. Here's your welfare check.

Lois: (Sighs)

(Later at night, Lois is Pon the parents bedroom as eter,wgets into the bed

Peter: Hi-ya, honey.

Peter: (Inside the house, Peter tries to explain) Honey, I know what I did was wrong. But I only did it for you and the kids. Except for the jukebox in the bathroom. That was for Peter.

Lois: Yeah, from the American taxpayers. I am so mad I can't see straight.

Peter: No problem. We got money to get that fixed with enough left for us to buy our way out of any trouble our kids might get into. Just like the Kennedys.

Lois: I feel like I don't even know you anymore, Peter. The man I married would never think he could fix a problem just by spending money! (Lois stomps away)

Peter: (to Brian) Boy, she's pretty pissed.

Brian: Who thought fraud would be one of her buttons?

Peter: Why have a jukebox in the john if your wife's mad at you?

Brian: Peter, you may have to return that money to the taxpayers.

Peter: But I gotta make sure Lois knows I'm doing it. I need an event with thousands of people. Something that everybody cares about. We might have to leave Rhode Island for this.

(cut to an overhead shot of a football stadium)

John Madden: The air is electric here at Super Bowl XXXllI tonight! Pat, I think it's safe to say that all these fans came here to watch a game of FOOTBALL!

Pat Summerall: Uh, John, we're in commercial.

John Madden: (embarrassed) Yeah, I know, I'm just..making conversation. Come on... FOOTBALL!

Brian: (In a hot air balloon overhead with Peter. The blimp reads "FORGIVE ME LOIS") Amazing. You can barely drive a car. Yet you were allowed to fly a hot air balloon?

Peter: Yeah, America's great, isn't it? Except for the South. Boy, I hope Lois is watching. (Peter starts dumping a giant bag of money over the field) Okay, taxpayers, here you go!

Pat Summerall: (as the money falls) Looks like we're getting some rain here tonight, John.

John Madden: Yeah. Hey, wait a second, this is no ordinary rain! It's some kind of crazy money rain!

Pat Summerall: (listening to his hedset) I'm being told it's a man and his dog throwing cash out of a hot air balloon.

Peter: Man. I hope this works. Otherwise, I'm gonna have to start dropping these. (holds a miniature version of an old fashioned sea mine)

John Madden: (as the crowd rushes the field and fights for the money) The crowd is storming the field! This is pandemonium! Have you ever seen anything like this, Pat? Pat? (Pat rushes back into the booth with his pockets loaded with money)

Pat Summerall: Just once. The 1975 Cotton Bowl. This is the old "trying to make amends for spending $150,000 a week in misappropriated welfare funds" play.

John Madden: I don't care what it is! That guy's ruining a perfectly good game of football! (radioing down to security) Madden to Fox Security.

Security: Go ahead.

John Madden: Take them down!

Security: Yes, sir. (takes a gun from the wall marked "Just one gun" in reference to the then-slogan of "Just One Fox" and fires off several rounds)

(Brian and Peter are in jail)

Brian: Uh, how was your shower?

Peter: I tell you, all of the rumors about dropping the soap are true.

Brian: Really?

Peter: You can't hold onto that thing to save your life. It was slipping everywhere. Guys were laughing.

(a couple of prisoners pass by)

Prisoner 1: (Pointing at Peter) There's the guy that couldn't hold the soap.

Prisoner 2: That was classic. (both laugh and leave)

Peter: Boy. I really let Lois down this time. Do you think she'll wait for me?

Brian: If every woman dumped her husband for crashing a hot air balloon, no one would be married. (Brian settles into the lower bunk)

Peter: Yeah, you're right. Okay, I got the top bunk. (Peter hops up into the top bunk, which crashes onto Brian below)

Chris: What does it mean when your armpits cry stinky tears?

Lois: It means you're becoming a man. But hopefully not the kind who stays out all day and doesn't call like your father who shall remain nameless.

Stewie: (entering) Hello, Mother.

Lois: Well, hi there, sweetie.

Stewie: You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is more like a box of ACTIVE GRENADES! Now, I offer you one last chance for deliverance. Return my mind control device or be destroyed!

Lois: Oh, you just want your toy back. Okay, here you go, honey.

Stewie: Yes...well...VICTORY IS MINE! (runs away into another room, an explosion is heard) AAAAHHH!!!! DAMN YOU ALL!!!!

Lois: (answering the phone as it rights) Hello?...Oh, my God!

(Lois picks Peter up from the police station)

Peter: Aw, Lois, am I glad to see you.

Lois: I got nothing to say to you, Peter.

Peter: I gave the money back, why are you still steamed?

Lois: Peter, you lied to me, you betrayed my trust. Compared to that, welfare fraud doesn't even matter.

Peter: Really? Ah, let's hope the judge feels that way.

(In court)

Judge: This court will come to order.

Peter (explaining) I figured the sooner I cashed the check the sooner they'd catch their mistake. Why are we making a federal case out of this?

Judge: Mr. Griffin, don't you think you should've alerted the government of such a gross overpayment.

Peter: Well, I was gonna call 'em, but, uh, my favorite episode of Diff'rent Strokes was on. You know the one where Arnold and Dudley get sexually molested by the guy who owns the bike shop.

(cutaway to said episode)

Guy Who Owns the Bike Shop: (bent over for Arnold and Dudley) Alright, now, I want you boys to scream real loud at my ass.

(cut back to Peter)

Peter: And everybody learns a valuable lesson.

Judge: Mr. Griffin, have you learned a lesson?

Peter: Oh, yeah, stay the hell away from that bike shop! Okay, everybody, I feel really bad about what I did. I just I don't know. I saw the one chance I'd ever have to give my family the things they deserve. I guess I screwed it up. I cheated the government. And worst of all, I lied to my wife. And she deserves better. I'm sorry, honey.

Judge: Mr. Griffin, I think your words have touched us all. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison.

Lois: Oh no!

Brian: Oh no!

Chris: Oh no!

Meg: Oh no!

Kool-Aid Man: (jumps through the wall) OH YEAH!

Lois: Excuse me, Your Honor?

Judge: Yes?

Lois: Look, my husband may be a bit thoughtless at times. He may even be downright stupid. But I know he only accepted that money because he wanted to be a good husband and father. But what he needs to remember is that we love him. And no matter what, I'll always stand by him.

Peter: I love you too, honey.

Judge: That was very moving, Mrs. Griffin. Okay, you can go to jail with him!

Lois: What?

Stewie: 24 months in prison, eh? Unacceptable! Intolerable as it may be, I'm completely dependent upon those wretched drones for sustenance. Let us see how the iron constitution of American justice stands against the device! (Stewie fires his mind device at the Judge)

Judge: Is that your boy?

Peter: What? Uh, oh, uh, yeah, that's Stewie.

Judge: Gosh, I can't separate a kid that young from his father. It's...It's unjudgmentally. Aw, hell, you've learned your lesson, right?

Peter: Yeah.

Judge: Alright, you're off the hook.

Peter: Oh, wow! Can you give me my job back?

Judge: No. (Stewie activates his device a second time) Yes.

Peter: All right!

(Back at home the Griffins, are watching "TV's Bloopers and Practical Jokes" on television)

Ed McMahon: That was a crazy one, Dick.

Dick Clark: It sure was. In this next blooper from Joanie Loves Chachi. Watch what happens when Scott Baio tries to say: "She sells seashells down by the seashore."

Joanie: What does your mom do?

Chachi: She sells seashells down by the... (Scott Baio is suddenly mauled by a bear)

Peter: That is kind of a tongue twister.

Lois: It's good to have you home, Peter.

Peter: Honey, I knew everything would turn out okay.

Meg: I sure am gonna miss being rich.

Peter: Oh, don't worry, I got a way to get money.

Brian: Not another welfare scam.

Peter: No no no, (puts on a ushanka) minority scholarship. Hehehehehe... (winks and does a thumbs up to the camera as the show is over)