Recent reviews by Thomas

Ruiner is a really cool game about just how much brutal ultraviolence a man is willing to resort to just to make his favourite E-Girl happy.
It's also got A E S T H E T I C S, punishing and brutal top down combat, and an amazing soundtrack.
A must for cyberpunk fans, and those who enjoy being called 'puppy'. I don't judge.

Many years after the controversy regarding its somewhat misleading trailer has disappeared, it's time to say things as they are. Dead Island: Definitive Edition is, despite the occasional bug and sometimes wonky physics, one of the most fun co-op games out there. If you like First Person Action and killing zombies, and you haven't played this game yet, do yourself a solid and just get it to play it with some friends. The fact that a game as imperfect as this can be this much fun to play and with such a high level of replayability, shows that we should perhaps reconsider how we review games. Polish and objectively 'good' elements are one thing, but if I enjoy playing Dead Island more than your perfectly polished yet not as replayable game, is that polished game really the better game? Also Sam-B is unironically a great rapper and I will fight you if you say otherwise

'There is only one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is whether or not to make point-and-click games about digging.'
-Albert Camus, absurdist philosopher, rock enthusiast and amateur video game developer

Finally, after more than a 40 year hiatus, Albert Camus Simulator 2016 has been released. Join our angsty minimalist protagonist as he goes on an epic quest to prove nihilists once and for all that they can go suck a fat one.
Featuring rocks, holes we dig in order to fill the holes in our existence and REVOLT, Sisyphus Reborn is sure to be a thrill for absurdists of all ages!
Warning. Myshkin Entertainment and Valve Software hold no responsibility whatsoever for any existential crises caused by playing this game. Revolt against meaninglessness responsibly.

In all seriousness, though, this game's pretty neat. Sure, its gameplay is simplistic, but hey, it manages to convey, along with the hauntingly atmospheric music and visuals, the author's message succesfully, so that's a big plus for me. I hope we'll get to see more games by this studio, Steam could use some actually interesting philsophical games instead of the usual pseudo-intellectual rubbish. You keep pushing that rock up that mountain, Myshkin Entertainment, you hear?

The haunting tale of an already broken man falling completely apart told through distorted cutscenes, brilliant gunplay and intense firefights in slowmotion. What more could you ask for?

Go! Go! Nippon! ~ My First Trip To Japan! ~ 2015 edition: the thinking waifuist’s game

How do you improve that which you thought was perfect already? For centuries, philosophers, neuroscientists and nostalgia-blinded elitists from all over the world have been pondering this unsolvable enigma. Who would have guessed that its answers would be found one day in a cute and shy tomboy with a magnificently flat chest?

Go! Go! Nippon! ~ My First Trip To Japan! ~ 2015 edition is DLC for the brilliant Go! Go! Nippon! ~ My First Trip To Japan! , although I’m hesitant to use the term due to its negative connotation. I would even go as far say that even its objective denotation falls short at describing this powerful work of art: it’s downloadable, obviously, but to just call it content? That seems unfair, given how utterly amazing this game is. Not only does this DLC have animated sprites, which make Aki-chan look more kawaii than ever, it also features a whole range of new scenarios to explore with her.

Some of my favourite newly-added chapters include the one where you to go to the pool together with Aki-chan (showing us the developer’s impressive skill at crafting poetic and human tranche de vie stories), the really touching one where you comfort Akira when she’s scared during a horror film (showing us the true inner strength of a powerful female character who admits that even she sometimes just needs someone to hold her and tell her everything is going to be all right) and, last but not least, the one where you stealthily infiltrate a military base occupied by genetically-modified super soldiers who possess supernatural powers in order to save the world from complete nuclear annihilation. All this to what I consider to be musical perfection, as the soundtrack also received an orgasm-inducing update, with songs from critically acclaimed bands such as Mogwai, Low Roar and Sleepmakeswaves, as well as universally beloved composers such as Hans Zimmer and Ennio Morricone being featured.

The 2015 DLC vastly improves on the game’s philosophical aspect as well, showing us a philosophy which seems to be heavily inspired by the French-Algerian pied-noir philosopher Albert Camus’ theory of the absurd. An example of this influence can be seen in a scene where you and Akira go to a swimming pool and Aki-chan is wearing a really cute blue bikini and looking almost impossibly kawaii, only to have the strings snap, embarrassing her a little as she has to hide her beautiful goddess body away from the eyes of the commoners and other degenerate plebs who cannot help but stare at the utter perfection she embodies. This unexpected turn of events makes us promptly realize two things:

1. Life is absurd and our efforts at trying to find meaning in it have brought us nothing but disappointment and hurt, and as a result, in order to be happy, we need to accept this absurdness and lack of ‘raison de vivre’ for life is all we have.

And 2. My God do I want to shoot my hot steamy load all over your utterly adorable divine flat chest, Aki-chan.

Conclusion
Go! Go! Nippon! ~ My First Trip To Japan! ~ 2015 edition is the proof that life is worth living despite its numerous hardships and at time impossibly difficult challenges: because you will find that it is in those unbearable moments when you feel at your lowest, at the bottom of the dark well which depression is, that Aki-chan, being the little angle she is, will always be there for you, to support and love you regardless of what may happen or how low you have fallen. And it’s with her warm hand in yours that the two of you will climb out of the darkness, into the light of life, ready to face whatever hardships this sometimes unfair but at the same time strangely beautiful world may throw at you.
I think it’s safe to say that Go! Go! Nippon! ~ My First Trip To Japan! ~ 2015 edition simply is the greatest game, waifu-simulator and interactive philosophical essay in the history of mankind.

The only real issue I have with this otherwise perfect and then I do mean utterly flawless masterpiece is that that cowtitted, degenerate ♥♥♥♥♥ of a Makoto is using up room, dialogue and precious in-game data storage that could have been spent on adorable Aki-chan instead. Despite that, Go! Go! Nippon! ~ My First Trip To Japan! ~ 2015 edition is nothing short of a masterpiece that will be remembered by generations to come as the decisive video game that perfected the medium and made it transcend to a level of brilliance which we previously didn’t even know was possible for us mortals. In the future, our ancestors, having established a perfect Aki-chanstocracy and world-peace, will look at this game and thank its creators for their beautiful gift to humanity and the universe itself. I, for one, welcome our DFC overlords.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to slaughter some more degenerates to keep the blood supply for my shrine for Aki-chan running.

It'd be easy to just dismiss Go! Go! Nippon! ~My First Trip to Japan~ as a simple fanservicey VN for weeaboos, otakus and the like. Then again, it'd be easy to call Andrei Tarkovsky's Stalker little more than a cheap attempt at being 'deep' and 'meaningful'. Bottomline is that it's easy to call brilliant works of art like those bad simply because we cannot understand them when we first experience them. And experience is the right word to use here, oh yes.
Go! Go! Nippon! ~My First Trip to Japan~ is a brilliant satire on otaku culture, a deconstruction of the stereotypes we slowly have accepted as the standard for the once great Japanese animation industry. I'd call it the Me!Me!Me! of visual novels, but that would be a slight insult to Go! Go! Nippon! ~My First Trip to Japan~ because it's so damn amazing.
The game tells the story of a young man, the 'protagonist' who goes to Japan and, unsurprisingly, spends the week there with two attractive anime girls, Makoto, the stereotypical 'kind' girl with a giant chest compensated by her lack of personality, and Akira, who is more boyish and is almost flat chested. Note how the game right from the beginning comments on the 'blank slate' protagonist who serves as little more than an empty canvas for us to project our own personalities onto. This is the first in a long series of intelligent and cleverly constructed criticisms on otaku culture stereotypes: girls that are fairly skinny yet somehow still manage to have breasts larger than their own skull, how it's okay to sexualize young looking girls because 'they really are 18' or 'they aren't real so it's not paedophilia'. But never does the game do this too blatantly, like, say, Spec Ops The Line's criticism on the glorification of game violence and justifying violent actions in the name of good. No, each time the game brings up a valid point on one of the many subjects it touches upon it does so in a stylish, respectful and aesthetically refined way.
From here on, the review shall contain spoilers, so I'd recommend you to stop reading and play this masterpiece before you continue reading.
The story ends with the protagonist having learned that there's more to Japan than his so-called 'waifus' and eating sushi: in order to get the best ending, you have to try things you wouldn't necessarily associate with Japan (eating 'pizza' instead of sushi, which makes for a funny and charming moment when you and Akira begin to talk about how Japan has dealt with cultural influences throughout history) or give certain things you wouldn't expect an otaku to do a chance, like going for a nice morning jog (with one of the girls, as you'd learn later on) or eating a nice fruit salad Akira made for everyone in the house instead of emptying a bag of Doritos™ with some Mountain Dew™. Finally, you return home without having had anything 'sexual' with Akira and decide that she's worth a second visit to the country. You meet up again as you hold her tightly, having finally let go of your 2D chinese cartoon ladies and katana collection.
Finally, you can move on with your life, get a job, move out, meet a nice girl, maybe even start a family. We see the protagonist who now seems to be in his thirties shutting off his PC and going outside, where his two kids are playing together in the grass. He feels a soft touch on his shoulder and sees his wife smiling at him as she nods at your two children playing in the garden. You smile and close your eyes, holding your wife as you feel a warm summerevening's wind blowing against your face, and you know that in the end, everything is going to be alright.
tl;dr for all of you uneducated plebs: Akira best girl ♥♥♥♥ you and your cowtitted ♥♥♥♥♥ Makotofags

Solid 2D stealth game with a great artstyle and clever leveldesign. The lackluster story is a bit of a disappointment compared to the cool setting and lore. My biggest issue would be the fact that the game just doesn't offer a lot once you've completed it besides a Path of Silence non-lethal playthrough. This is because the other 'paths' ( which are suits that give you special abilities) are just kind of meh and not that interesting to be honest, and the fact that replaying every level to complete a certain hidden challengeroom or find a collectible feels too much like squeezing all the fun out of the game just to get some more playtime. I know I mostly brought up negative points now, but that's only because the rest of the game is so damn good, trust me. Definitely an 8/10 for me.

Now, I don't know about you, but besides my love for artsy fartsy and 2deep4u stuff, I enjoy some dumb action and Hollywood ♥♥♥♥-eroticism every now and then. And that's exactly what Global Ops: Commando Libya is. Only that it's a bad action movie. In fact, it's so bad that it becomes absolutely hilarious. The homosexual remarks between the protagonist and his companion (who sounds like such a twink that he could only sound more gay if he was drinking Fristi or something), the fact that one of the main bad guys keeps talking about how we will never get his ass, the almost insultingly bad accents and so much more. The game itself is gameplay wise a cheaper version of Army of Two with extra genericness, bad dialogue, retarded Call of Duty-esque storylines and gayness. Lots of it.
The best way to have a good time with this game is to buy it cheap (I bought it for 1 key and consider that to be a fair price, considering the campaign takes about 5 hours to beat and MP is dead) and to laugh at all the awul everything. One of my personal favourite things to do was play this game and analyze it like it was all a metaphor for man looking for his partner of the same sex while struggling with the difficulties he faces in such a 'manly' world. The chopper would be a metaphor for his doubts about his sexual orientation, the fat Russian talking about how you will never get his ass would be a metaphor for all the potential sexual relationships with women he is 'throwing away', etc.
In other words, it's great fun and the perfect thing to do when you're really bored and want to do something gay that doesn't involve other men or porn.
And don't get me wrong. I'm not even against homosexuals or anything, but this game is probably the gayest thing to ever be featured on steam since Gone Home. That's just a fact.
In a more serious note on the game itself: it's just extremely generic and since it's developed by a smaller studio, not as polished as generic AAA shooters. It's really the worst of two worlds, sadly. There's plenty of work put into this game, and I can see that, but nobody's interested in a generic shooter like Gonorrhea Flops: Cummando Labia, especially when you compare it to all the creative content smaller studios have created before in the indie scene.
Overal, I can only recommend this game if you're the same type of person who plays stuff like Ibn Battuta for ♥♥♥♥♥ and giggles and you can get it for cheap.

With my new style of reviewing games, I guess I should write a more 'professional' review about F.E.A.R. as well.
I'll try to keep things simple. The reason why I love FEAR so much and it's one of my top 5 games of all time is because it knows what it wants to do and does an amazing job at that: being an amazing action shooter with some creepy supernatural elements in between.
Good:
-Graphics, sound and the like: FEAR still looks pretty nice despite being nearly nine years old today and the sound design is as solid as ever. God, I love the gunfire in this game, it really sounds threatening. And don't get me started on the delicious Voice Acting by the Replica Soliders, that sounds extremely menacing.
-Gunplay and combatt in general: the game perfectly balances between being a realistic and tactical FPS and being not too supa dupa serious guise. Even the 'normal' weapons like the SMG or shotgun still feel great because you really feel like they pack a punch, especially the shotgun, that destroys anything that comes in your way. And then you still have the more fancy weapons, like the repeating cannon, the nail gun (god, nailing enemies to walls never gets old for me) and the particle gun, or as I like to call it, the skeleton gun (because it vaporizes (is that even a word?) any foe you hit with it, leaving nothing but some dust and bones). Melee feels great too and it's really satisfying to give a Replica Soldier a slowmo kungu kick to the face. Said slowmotion works great and is necessary if you want to survive, because..
-The AI: everybody has heard of FEAR's great AI by now. And while it's also the combination of good level design and intelligent scripting, the Replica Forces you'll encounter in the game really feel like smart and dangerous opponents that will destroy you if you don't use your wits, especially on higher difficulty, where it becomes 'kill or be killed'. These guys will, thanks to their awesome voice acting, insanely well co-ordinated teamwork and despite being clones still having personality, always carry a very special place in my heart.
-The horror: FEAR is inspired by japanese horror and it shows. Surrealistic and disturbing imagery, darkness and silence to drive you slowly insane, 'did I just see anything or was it just my imagination', all that. The game does have a few 'jumpscares' but nothing in the likes of 'spooky face appears with loud noise'.
-The story: FEAR tells it story through clever use of voicemail messages, date on laptops and the like. You'll really want to find out the truth behind project origin near the end of the game.
-TECHNOLOGY: objects that don't just stand there and get bullet holes when you shoot/melee/blow them up, the ability to see your legs, reflections in puddles of water, FEAR's got it all. Suck it, Bioshock Infinite, this nine year old game beats you here without any effort.
Bad:
-Dislikeable characters: some characters in FEAR (TALKING TO YOU, NORTON) aren't really likeable and you'd wish they'd just shut up so you can go and slowmokungfukick some more cloned soldiers. It's not really an issue, though, and more a matter of having something I dislike so people don't call me a fanboy that can't give negative criticism.
-Linear and repetitive scenery sometimes: you'll be fighting a lot of the times in the same type of buildings, though I didn't mind too much and this problem gets solved near the end of the game. There's still plenty of variation to make it bearable.
Overal, I give FEAR a 9/10. The same score I give to its two expansion packs, Extraction Point and Perseus Mandate, who are in my opinion the true 'sequels' to this amazing game and add some interesting weaponry, areas and enemies while keeping the amazing formula that makes FEAR so damn great.

"Oh look guys, it's Timothy writing a review for that one game everyone on youtube makes fun of! I can't wait until he tears it a new arsehole, because he's a cynical bastard and that's what cynical people do!"
If this was your reaction when you noticed this review, then I'm sorry to tell you that I will not write a funny 9/11 Allahu Akbar type of review. I respect the dev team, who put a lot of work and effort in this game, too much for that. Well yeah, this game is inspired by Uncharted, Tomb Raider, what not, they won't deny that. But at least they are enthusiastic about it. What's the last time you saw people this happy about making a game? Even if the game is buggy (and oh, trust me, it is, I'll elaborate) I still had fun playing it simply because I know the devs had fun making it. They really want to make an amazing adventure series where you explore the arabic world and its many fascinating places (which it truly has, no doubt about that). The dev team knows that they're not making GOTYAY material and doesn't say they are. They try to stay positive while everyone on the internet's too busy making fun of them and their "worst game ever" (a title that many other games I've played deserve more). They respond nicely to often ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ or 'funny' behaviour and criticism, which I think is something most developers can learn from. So yeah, kuddos for that, guys.
Now for the game itself. I'll give you a quick rundown of what I enjoyed and what I thought could use improvement.
Good:
The world: as mentioned earlier, the arabic world and culture and its interesting treasures is often overlooked because 'muh terrorism'. A shame, really, since some of the world's most amazing buildings and sculptures were made by arabians..
The characters: I appreciate the duo being brother and sister instead of a shoe-horned love interest. While it felt a little awkward sometimes, there's still some awws and ohs to be had when Faris and Dania talk about Dania's obesity problem and how her choice of tea could help her.
Music and sound: music was pretty solid, I like the "old man singing" that's often found in arabic music and this game had plenty of it. Voice acting was decent and so was the sound design, although some guns sound a little weak.
Story: the campaign has an interesting premise and it's nice to know that the main character and his female sidekick won't end up banging each other by the end of the game (right Semaphore? RIGHT?)
Survival: I really liked the survival mode. I didn't expect there to be zombies or mummies, but I sure enjoyed killing them, although it's a little buggy, sometimes, and it'd be nice if weapons/power ups would disappear after a while so the floor doesn't look like the surface of a giant disco ball.
Bad:
Controls: while they are much better than on the console version, there's still much left to be desired. It's also a bit of a shame that you can't map any buttons yourself for the keyboard controls.
Bugs: there are still a lot of bugs in this game. Both in graphic (the background in the desert chase level would have really weird chancing colours and stuff, weird shadows or character models that stretch out to disturbing levels) and sound (the MP5's firing sound would sometimes disappear in long burst fire, lines of dialogue that aren't heard, random bits of sound that disappear, etc).
Combat in general: the boxing/CQC feels kind of awkward and stiff and gunfights are way too easy thanks to dumb AI and insanely accurate weapons with little recoil (AK2stronk). The 'stealth' in the tomb wasn't anything special either, but it did the job, I suppose. My major complaint is that all guns kind of feel the same. Sure, you have your pistols (which kind of feel the same) and the shotgun, but besides that, the three rifles (G36C, M16 variant and AK) and submachineguns (MAC 1, Mini Uzi and MP5) all kind of feel the same. Try to give them more damage, accuracy or recoil in order to give them "their own feel" so each rifle suits a different kind of player.
Length: I completed the campaign on hard in one hour and a few minutes. Besides finding the few collectibles and the survival mode, there isn't a lot of gameplay left. Still, I only paid 70 cents for this game and I think that to be a more than fair price.
And of course, the fact that the game still doesn't have its own face yet and feels like the arabic attempt at Uncharted. I'm sure the dev team will have a better idea of what direction to persue as time passes by, though.
So yeah, in the end, I can't really recommend this game for its quality alone. If you can get it for 2 EUR or cheaper, though, then give it a try and have some fun with the campaign, silly bugs and survival mode. I wish Semaphore all the best and hope that they can make Unearthed a solid and fun gaming series.