Thymus Vulgaris
Sigismund Steinhauser   Come, Mono, Benin
Level
70
Welcome to Valhalla
500 XP
 
 
So theres this woman, right.
And she is in desperate need of a pet.
You know, she's in her thirties, she's a single, childless woman.
So she visits a pet store.
She goes to the clerk, and the clerk asks her what she wants.
She tells him that she wants a pet.
But not just any pet.
She wants a pet that can do ANYTHING.
The clerk suggests a dog, and she says NO.
She had a dog once before, and all it did was bark and eat its own ass.
And when she got a muslim boyfriend she had to, ahem, get rid of it.
The clerk suggested a cat.
And again, the woman said NO.
She said that she'd never seen a cat do anything but lounge around and spread parasites.
Again, she wanted a pet that could do ANYTHING.
Finally, the clerk suggested that the woman buy a millipede.
The woman was taken aback.
What the hell could a millipede do.
But, despite the strangeness of the suggestion, the woman decided to buy a millipede.
It was fairly cheap, so she had nothing to lose.
She brought the millipede into her home and placed it on her kitchen counter.
It gazed back at her with small beady eyes, utterly devoid of emotion.
Finally, the woman decided to speak.
She said sir millipede, please, clean the kitchen.
She immediately left the kitchen, and browsed snapchat on her phone.
When she returned to the kitchen, after ten minutes, the kitchen was spotless.
All the dishes were clean and neatly put away.
There were no crumbs, food scraps or used condoms anymore.
And the millipede gazed back at her with its soulless eyes.
What shall I do next mistress, the millipede spoke.
The woman thought for a while, and she ordered the millipede to make her dinner.
She returned to her bedroom, where she took nudes and sent them to guys with big muscles, chisled jaws, and nice cars.
After 20 minutes, she again returned to the kitchen, where a nice souffle was prepared on a plate, complete with silverware lined up on a napkin, neatly tucked against the plate.
The woman's face beamed with joy. Clearly, this millipede could do so much.
As she sat at the table, ready to eat her wonderful souffle dinner, she paused.
This millipede could do so much.
It had the possibility to radically change her life forever.
But what else could she have it do.
She wanted to test its limits.
She ordered the millipede to fetch her the newspaper from the front porch.
She dug into her souffle as the millipede crawled towards the front door.
And it crawled under the door.
For the next 30 minutes she ate her souffle, while browsing the instagram accounts of women she deemed less attractive than her (but inexplicably more popular).
As she got up, she noticed that the newspaper, and the millipede, has not returned.
Sighing, she decided to give it another five minutes.
10 more minutes passed, and the millipede had still not returned.
The woman fumed.
How could the millipede do this to her.
It was supposed to be her salvation.
Her messiah (not that she was religious - far from it).
She sprinted over to the front door and heaved against it, smashing it open.
She stomped over the broken door, over to the millipede.
She hunched over the millipede and screamed at it while punching holes in the drywall.
She raised her sexy foot up, threating to crush it from above.
With tears in her eyes, she cried why haven't you fetched the newspaper?
The millipede turned to her.
Its voice monotone.
I will, but I'm just putting my shoes on first.
Fin.
- cornmeal
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▒░░░░░░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒░▒▒▒░ much doge

The Hulkster's in the house
Check him out, check him out.
Get up off your seat.
He's got to beat his meat.
Chorus:
When the going gets tough,
The tough get rough.
Hey hey, ho ho, come on, let's go.
Hey hey, ho ho, come on, let's go.
The Hulkster's in the room.
You know he's on the move.
I can feel it in my scrotum.
We're sucking to the beat.
Chorus x2.
We're rocking down the house.
The baddest gays alive.
We're blowing off everybody.
And we're gunna ♥♥♥♥ and roll.
Chorus.
Hey hey, ho ho, come on, let's have gay sex.
Hey hey, ho ho, come on, let's have gay sex. Hey hey, ho ho, come on, let's have gay sex. Hey hey, ho ho, come on, let's have gay sex.
Hey hey, ho ho, come on, let's have gay sex.
Hey hey, ho ho, come on, let's have gay sex.

>rised at stree't.. hard ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
>LöRs_Westside-Pori-1488_sRöL
>Drammen, Buskerud
"You're only alive because it's illegal to kill you"
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>░░█▒▒░░░░░░6░0░9░░░░░░░░░█ #2cool4skool ?__?
>░░█▒▒░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▀▀▀▀▄ #MongolPride (￣ω￣)
>░░█▒▒░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░█ #2hc4u
>░░█▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀█▀▀▀▀▀▀ #JustEpic! ༼ ຈل͜ຈ༽
-░░█▒░▄▀░▒▒▒▒▒░▀▄▀░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒█░░░░░ #GetRektNerds :__:
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<█▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒██▒░░░░░░░▒█ (°ᴗƪ)
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<░█░▒▒▒▒▀▄▄▄▄▄███████▄▄▄▄▄▀ #♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
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　,.'´　　　　｀ヽ.　　,.　''"´￣｀ヽ､
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　　　　　　　　|　　';　　 　　 　!　　,ゝ､　　　　　 ',
　　　　　 　 ,.:'i　 　 ヽ､,_____,,ノ_,／ヽ､ ｀ヽ､,_____,ﾉ
　　　　 　／::::::ヽ､__,/:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::｀"フ
　　　 　/::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::;:::::::::::::ﾄ､:!:::::::::ヾ､
　　　 ;'::::::::::/::::::::;:': _L_::!:::::::::::::;i--‐!:::::::!::::::〉
　　　 i:::::::::;'::::::::/　´ _L_;ハ:::::::::::/ ,ｧ　r '､::;ﾊ:::/
　　　 !::::::::!:::::::::! ｧ' ´i ´ ﾉ|`` 　';／　iﾉ!　!V!::::`(
　　 　 '､;:::::'､:::::::!'; 　'､ , ﾘ 　 　　　`’ ,., 〈へ ﾉ
　　 　　 ' :;::::::ヽハ`,.,.,　 　　　　　　　ハ:::ヽ.
　　　　　ﾉ::::ヽ;:::::::;ゝ.､.,,___　´_,,.イ::::;ﾊ::ﾉ 　　 "Your dead kid"
　　　　 （::::::ノ::::::/ヽ,.! イ ,!_,ノ ´ソレ'´｀ヾ!`　　　　　　- bunny gorl
　　 　 　 .）´｀ヽノ`/´; 　 レムヽ,イ　;　 　　':,
　　　　　　　　 　 　!　 i　',w,／ 　 !　 　､ ,ﾉ
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　　　　　　　　　｀ ヽ こ ニ ン こ ハ こ 二ﾝ__ノ-'´
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　　　　　　　　　　　｀ｰ'　　　　｀ｰ'
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Comments
reko 12 Nov @ 8:16pm 
glue sniffer
HolyGrail 3 Dec, 2023 @ 7:02pm 
fake gamer
General Birb 23 Nov, 2023 @ 8:09pm 
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⢾
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡐⢕⠊⠀⠀⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⡴⠋⠀⢳
⠀⠀⠀⠀⢰⢕⡇⠀⢀⡞⠙⢆⠀⠀⢀⣀⣀⣠⠶⠛⠉⠀⠀⠀⠙⢦
⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⢕⡇⠀⣸⠀⠀⠀⠉⠒⠚⢄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢳
⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⢕⠗⠉⠏⠀⢀⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢹⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠔⠁⠀⢀⠃
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠸⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠁⠤⣆⠪⠸⠀⠒⠂⠜⠒⠀⠀⣠⠞⢷
⠀⠀⠀⠀⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣸⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸
⠀⠀⠀⠀⢣⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠚⠲⠶⡤⡤⠔⡈⢧⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣿
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⠛⠉⠑⠒⠢⠤⣾⡷⠓⢾⡷⠈⢾⣷⠒⠒⢾⣷⠊
Dant from Devil May Cry™ 10 Jul, 2023 @ 9:00pm 
just found out you were a girl kinda disappointed ngl I liked the memes you posted and the comments were all very friendly it turns out that comforting sense of camaraderie was just simps I guess I'll still follow you but looking at the comments of any of your posts now is like looking into a den of drama class kids who are welcoming their first female member
Ilska 29 Jun, 2023 @ 5:25pm 
Thymmy
shiitake 27 Aug, 2022 @ 7:13pm 
Possesses a nice smelling munt.